The Book of Biff

#1796 – Secured (9 Comments)

Chris — Fri, 17 May 2013 14:20:27 +0000

Also, garden shovels can be found by digging them out of your garden. Can openers are now sealed inside of soup cans. That bulge sticking out from the wallpaper in the dining room is a bottle of wallpaper remover.

#1795 – Endangered (4 Comments)

Chris — Thu, 16 May 2013 14:45:54 +0000

Unfortunately you can’t shower during nesting season.

#1794 – Empty (4 Comments)

Chris — Wed, 15 May 2013 14:40:25 +0000

Procrastinators are constantly having to limp along on an almost dead battery. Turning off non-essential services. Wishing they sprung for the solar charger upgrade.

#1793 – Mince (7 Comments)

Chris — Tue, 14 May 2013 05:00:37 +0000

We put in a new kitchen floor a few years ago. Those first few weeks the 5-second rule seemed silly. “These floors are cleaner than our plates!”

#1792 – Crusty (6 Comments)

Chris — Mon, 13 May 2013 05:00:05 +0000

You may need to fight a few other ducks or the occasional goose but it’s worth it. Where else are you going to get bread after the gas station burned down. These park people must have stocked up.

#1791 – Moist (4 Comments)

Chris — Fri, 10 May 2013 13:59:27 +0000

My vision going bad is usually the first thing I notice when I’m dehydrated or sleepy. You would think I would get a clue from other things like my 8-hour-old bottle of water that is still nearly full.

#1790 – Awake (11 Comments)

Chris — Thu, 09 May 2013 15:21:38 +0000

I also have some caffeinated socks to keep my foot from falling asleep when I sit in a chair too long. My caffeinated contact lenses help me watch boring movies. My caffeinated shampoo gives me that stylish spiky hair.

#1789 – Smaller (4 Comments)

Chris — Wed, 08 May 2013 18:09:46 +0000

It’s hard to keep yourself clean when you are a spider. Always crawling through places filled with dusty webs. You have to rely on the schedules of those pesky humans to catch a break.

#1788 – Tank (6 Comments)

Chris — Tue, 07 May 2013 13:05:00 +0000

Because, you know, sometimes that jerk Kevin comes over. Gotta have those flavorless decoy cookies out in a prominent place for him to find. I’m not letting him have the good ones after what he tried to do last time! Kevin!

#1787 – Fuzzy (6 Comments)

Chris — Mon, 06 May 2013 05:00:15 +0000

I wonder what it was like in the 70′s when dark colors were trendy in living room furniture and carpets. Maybe that’s the origin of those plastic covered couches. Do they still make those or are they something I imagined from my childhood.