I have never played real tennis. We did have tennis rackets at our house and a few times a summer a few of us would go to the courts at the local park and hit tennis balls at each other. We could never do a proper serve. We would bounce the ball on the ground and then swing wildly at it like we were playing baseball. Every once in awhile we would manage to hit the ball back and forth over the net more than just a few times. That amazing few seconds is what would get us to try it out again the next year.

When I first heard that water polo existed, I was astounded. I knew it took a long time to fill my bathtub so setting up for a game must take weeks. I wondered how deep they made the water. I figured maybe about chest level. It had to be deep enough to make the game interesting but not so deep that the horses couldn’t breathe without scuba equipment.

In the midst of a bowling tournament you really gotta eat your waffles without syrup. Not only are you in danger of your hand staying attached to the ball, you will agitate the wasps that are kept in the hand dryer. Normally they are content to supply a constant flow of air from their many thousands of buzzing wings. The aroma from the syrup is a reminder of their former life living inside the vast Canadian forests. They will burst forth from their man-made prison, cutting down anyone in their path until they reach an insurmountable obstacle like a window.

The first time I played air hockey the other kid knocked the puck up off the table and it slammed into my fingers. It took me years to recover from the mental trauma. I could never get the hang of the game because I was always flinching or closing my eyes in anticipation of the pain that is caused by a thin disk of orange plastic against bone.

The first time my dad took me to see the Chicago Cubs play was very disorienting. Everything was so far away and I really had no idea what was going on most of the time. I was so used to the TV giving a running commentary, it’s sudden absence was startling.

Sometimes ice cubes like to play tricks on kids. On a blazing hot summer day I would come in from my daily tree climbing expedition to get myself a giant glass of ice water. Throw a pile of ice cubes into the glass and then fill it to the top with thirst quenching goodness. Secretly, the ice cubes have fused together and cling to the bottom of the glass waiting to strike. Halfway through my first swallow the ice berg releases to simultaneously stab my nose with a sharp cube corner and spill water down the front of my shirt.

Also, come see me at the Emerald City ComiCon this weekend!

I don’t think I have ever successfully kept and indoor house plant. I know when I was a kid I had a cactus but I kept it in the front window with all the other plants that my mom would water. My amazement at how little water it needed probably ignored the fact that it was getting regular drinks from a different source.

Also, come see me at the Emerald City ComiCon this weekend!

For some reason the “World’s largest” food items seem to be on the news frequently. Whenever I see them I always have the same reaction. “That looks like it tastes horrible.” How can you possibly make a 200 pound hamburger and have it taste like anything more than a waste of everyone’s time.

It is so scary when something hits the windshield of the car when I’m driving on the highway. It’s mostly the fear of what might be about to happen. That and the fact that I instinctively close my eyes whenever it happens. They stay closed for longer than they really should be. I guess I’m afraid of what I will see when I open them again.

Washington State Convention Center
800 Convention Place
Seattle, WA 98101-2350

I’ll be sharing booth #206 with Bill and Gene of Unshelved. Come hang out and we can exchange small pieces of paper for a larger stack of paper with funny drawings printed on them. I will even draw on them to increase the total amusement potential held within.