I was recently listening to the audiobook for Steve Martin’s “Born Standing Up.” It’s a great look into his early life and standup career. One of the most amazing things was when he was talking about how he had a lot of time in high school to work on his magic because his school didn’t give out homework. Wait… no homework? I didn’t even know such a fantasy was possible!

When I was a kid there was a local Chicago station that had a show called “Samurai Sunday.” Every week I would get to see a new crazy 1970’s badly dubbed martial arts movie. For a good hour or two after the show was over my brother and I thought we had become instant martial arts experts. This involved lots of running, jumping, kicking, punching and over the top sound effects. Eventually the order would come down from our dad to “Cut it out!” and we would return to our mortal selves for the next seven days.

I had some experiences using clay back in high school but never on the wheel. My friend Glenn Schlikas was much better with clay than I was so I was always playing catch up with him. For one project he made a Rocketeer sculpture complete with a billowing smoke base. I think he remade that whole piece 4 times in the same amount of time it took me to make my little alien head. At the end of our senior year we collaborated on a large 8 foot tall (was it taller?) clay sculpture that we then cast in fiberglass. It was the senior class gift. We had a love/hate relationship with it and nicknamed it “The Torch Monster” because it was topped off with a hand holding a torch to mirror the Statue of Liberty. I sometimes wonder if it is still there, but I haven’t been back inside the school to see.

I’ve never been out of the country so I have to imagine what it’s like by going to places like Chinatown or Holland Michigan. I went to Holland a few times back when I lived in Grand Rapids. Saw the tulip festival and hung out on the lake. It’s interesting to be on a lake that fills your field of view like that and becomes indistinguishable from the ocean.

I have a lot of little cords all around me every day. I manage to keep most of them out of trouble. Although a few times a month I will get up from my desk and snag my headphones cord on the keyboard shelf. I think my ears have been lowered a few centimeters at this point.

Sometimes the rules aren’t very clear and you make some logical assumptions that turn out to be wrong. For example, you have to pay for every candy bar you take from the grocery store. Even the ones that are already in your stomach.

Reminder! The Book of Biff #3 is on sale but the deals end this Sunday. There are specials on original art, multi-packs and sketch editions. See all the deals in the Biff store!

I was excited when I got my first piggy bank. It was a traditional ceramic pig that you were supposed to fill with your childhood life savings and then smash it open to finance your first big purchase. Every time my mom would give me some change or I would find a coin on the sidewalk I would excitedly drop them into the slot on the pig’s back. After the novelty wore off I realized there was a lot of candy I was missing out on by feeding the pig all my coins. Then I discovered if I put a butter knife into the slot, turned the bank upside down and shook it, I could get the coins back out. I never saved up more than a few dollars worth after that.

The Book of Biff #3 is in stock and shipping today! Order your copy in the Biff store!

Lately the only time I have to watch TV is during dinner. This isn’t always what the producers of television have in mind when they make their shows. A few minutes into a show we recently watched showed a bunch of people that had their skin suddenly start to melt and peel away. Kinda puts a buzz kill on spaghetti night.

The Book of Biff #3 is in stock and shipping today! Order your copy in the Biff store!

We had a weird old pet store in my neighborhood when I was a kid. My friends and I would stop in there frequently and browse around when we were bored. The star attraction was the owner’s pet monkey Sputnik. There was a hand lettered sign on the wall next to him explaining where the name came from along with a drawing of the satellite flying through space and the warning “I bite.” There was also a big metal bathtub in the back of the store that always had 20 or 30 little white mice running around the bottom of it. I liked to lean over the edge and watch the never ending ripples of motion as they continuously climbed over one another. I went to that store for years before someone explained the horrific meaning behind the sign over the bathtub that read “Feeder Mice.”

Happy birthday to me! What’s that? You would like to get me something for my birthday? Order something from the store and make us both happy!